Final Fantasy Fairy Tales
by UnnobleSugarNThusiast
Summary: Well...let's just say our friends from Squaresoft shouldn't enter the acting business...


Disclaimer: I own nada, nothin, no way no how! But I still wuzzle my lil Zellerz! *hug*  
  
FF FAIRY TALES!!  
  
Director: Action!  
  
*Zell is booted on stage, wearing a long black cloak*   
  
Zell: *rubs butt* Gawsh......didn't hafta kick THAT hard...oh! *sees camera* *grins cheesily*  
  
CameraMan: *rolls eyes*  
  
Zell: Today, we will be having some of the world's most renoun and famous titles, fairy tales, sush as -   
  
*sigh drops down on Zell, smushing him*  
  
*Sign Reads: Prince Charming*  
  
Zell: *staggers up and throws sign off* Let us begin.... @.@  
  
-*Curtain falls on him*-  
  
-ACT ONE! (Prince Charming)-  
  
Zell: *stands offstage* Once upon a time, there was a king who was soooooooo good and soooooooo generous that his subjects called him "Heart of Gold".   
  
*Tidus walks onstage awkwardly*   
  
Tidus: *squints at que-cards* I'm so generous and food....good! And so good.....I am known as the Heart of Gold....  
  
Zell: *smacks forehead but continues on* One day, while he was walking through the woods, a wild rabbit that was being chased by a hunter suddenly jumped in his arms for refuge.   
  
*Seifer dashes onstage, stumbling, dressed in too small rabbit suit* *leaps at Tidus, knocking him over*  
  
Zell: *curses under his breath but goes on* The king comforted the poor....*snickers* poor trembling thing and took it back to the palace and sent for some lettuce to feed it.  
  
*Tidus grumpily shoves Seifer on floor, grabs him by the legs, and drags him to a cheap cardboard imitation of a castle*   
  
*The background changes to show cheesy castle walls*  
  
*Tidus jams bits of moldy brown leaves in Seifer's mouth, snickering*  
  
Zell: No sooner had the animal eaten its fill when, all at once, it turned into one of the most beautiful ladies that the king had ever seen!  
  
*Squall dumps bucket of chalk dust onto Tidus and Seifer from rafters above*  
  
*Seifer runs off, tripping again on his small bunny suit*  
  
*Rinoa runs on, adjusting her pointy hats*  
  
Rinoa: *nods* I'm ready!  
  
Zell: *hisses* SHUT UP! Oh.... *looks at camera* My bad.   
  
Rinoa: I am the White Fairy. I turned myself into a rabbit to test your kindness. I see now how great it is!  
  
Zell: *coughs*  
  
Rinoa: In return, I will grant all your desires. Just tell me what you wish.  
  
Tidus: *drools* I want a pony and a -  
  
Zell: *smacks* The SCRIPT, idiot!  
  
Tidus: Oh yeah... Oh lovely fairy, all I wish for is that my son, Prince Charming, should be the gentlest and the most just king in the world.   
  
Rinoa: I will do my best to help you....  
  
Squall: *plays Game Boy*  
  
Rinoa: *clears throat* I WILL DO MY BEST TO HELP YOU....  
  
Squall: Oh! *dumps buckets of chalk dust on Rinoa's head*  
  
Rinoa: *runs off coughing*  
  
Zell: *sniggers* A few monthes later, the Old king Heart of Gold died.  
  
Tidus: *grabs chest and falls over* *pulls self off stage*  
  
Zell: Prince Charming succeeded his father to the throne and started to reign with justice and generosity.  
  
*Cloud grumbily stalks on stage, sits in plastic throne*   
  
Zell: One day, the White Fairy appeared to him. She urged him to stay as good and wise as he was and gave him a magic ring.  
  
*Squall dumps another bucket of chalk dust and Rinoa runs out, mumbling incoherent words to Cloud and thrusting a 25 cent ring in his face*  
  
Rinoa: Remember! If ever you commit a dishonest act, the ring will prick your finger. It will be a warning to you to guard against falling into evil ways.  
  
Cloud: Uh huh....  
  
Zell: Alas! The new king was very young and very inexpierienced. Before long, he was surrounded by a number of wicked courtiers. They were a very bad influence on him and led him into many unjust decisions and actions.  
  
*Tifa wanders onto stage*  
  
Tifa: Hey Prince baby wanna go for a drink?  
  
Cloud: Sure hot stuff ! *both walk off*  
  
Zell: *points and whispers* Bad! *straightens up* Gradually, almost without being aware of it, Prince Charming had became a cruel and violent king, ill-tempered and tyrannical.  
  
*Cloud walks back on and plops down in throne*  
  
Cloud: *spots bug on floor* GUARD!  
  
*Tidus in armor runs up* Yes?  
  
Cloud: KILL THE BUG!  
  
Tidus: but sir...  
  
Cloud: KILL! I'M EVIL! KILL!  
  
Zell: -.-;;;;;; The magic ring that the good fairy had given him pricked his finger in vain - he simply ignored it.  
  
Cloud: *on throne* DAMN RING! *beats hand on arm rest*  
  
Tidus: What was that, sir?  
  
Cloud: Nothing!  
  
Zell: One summer day, a big hunting party had been organized. Prince Charming had wandered away from his companions and as he walked down the forest path, he met a little shepherdess who answered to the name of Celia. The young man fell so madly in love at the sight of her that he asked her to marry him.  
  
*Cloud walks down a brown piece of paper, seeing Selphie sitting randomly on the floor*  
  
Cloud: *sigh* Gasp. You are lovely. I am in love with you. Please marry me.  
  
Selphie: *smiles evily*  
  
*In closet in other side of stage, Quistis is tied up and gagged, wearing Selphie's clothes*  
  
Zell: But Celia had heard about the king's bad reputation and refused to be married to someone so evil. Prince Charming, known as Charming, furious at being rejected, had the shepherdess taken to his palace.  
  
*Selphie stands and does whatever sign in Cloud's face* No way, meanie!  
  
Cloud: ANGER! Go to my castle!  
  
Selphie: *shrugs* Ok. *walks to cheap castle*  
  
Zell: But, when he wanted to go and see his prisoner, he learned that she had escaped. His wicked courtiers told him that his faithful old tutor Soliman had helped her run away. Blinded in rage, Charming ordered that his old servant be locked up in the deepest and darkest dungeon in the castle.  
  
Cloud: What. She escape-PED? Oh no, I am so raged and furious.   
  
Tifa: *swaggers onto stage again* So-LEE-Man helped her! *swaggers off again*  
  
Cloud: ARGH. Lock him up in my deepest and darkest dungeon.  
  
Zell: This unjust sentence had hardly left his lips when the whole castle was rocked by a deafening clap of thunder.  
  
*Squall claps his hands and Tidus and Rinoa shake the castle from behind*  
  
Zell: In that very instant, Charming found himself in the heart of the forest, transformed into a hideous animal. His evil ways had turned him into a monster!  
  
*Cloud quickly changes into a funky outfit which Selphie had sewn for him*  
  
Zell: Driven half mad, he started to run hither and thither, roaring and grunting like a wild animal until he fell into a trap laid by huntsmen.  
  
*Cloud runs around stage and halfheartedly trips*   
  
Zell: It was there that he was found by the director of a circus who decided that this monster would make a fine new attraction in the big ring. Bit recognized as the king, Charming was locked away in a cage with lions and tigers.   
  
Seifer: Hmm, you vill be ee good ah-tak-shun een mi circoos, ya? *chucks Cloud in a cage with stuffed animals in it*  
  
Zell: The memory of the pretty shepherdess was with him alays. He wished with all his heart that he could win her love. One day, one of the tigers attacked their trainer. Charming leaped at the ferocious beast and saved the life of his tormentor.   
  
*Zell tosses a stuffed animal at Seifer, which Cloud tackles in mid air*  
  
Zell: In that instant, he heard a sweet voice say -   
  
Rinoa: Every good deed deserves its reward!  
  
Zell: And in a flash, he was turned into a little dog. So a new life began. Indeed his masters did not feed him often and he was alays hungry.  
  
*Cloud runs off and Angelo runs on looking around nervously*  
  
Audience: AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!! @O@  
  
Zell: One day he was roaming the streets of town, having just unearthed a nice piece of bread, he caught sight of a poor beggar girl with a pale face who looked hungry.  
  
*Angelo walks timidly up to Tifa, who is sitting on the ground in rags*  
  
Zell: Full of pity, the little dog trotted up to her and gave her his only possesion: his one and only meal of the day.  
  
*Angelo noses a piece of half-eaten bread to Tifa*  
  
Tifa: MINE! *snatches it and snarls it down*  
  
*Angelo runs offstage, scared to death*  
  
Zell: *glances at watch* And that's all the time we have today! To be continued!!!!  
  
*Commercial for Sephiroth's Kicker Liqour appears*  
  
*Commercial for Yuna's condumns appears*  
  
*Show starts again, unknowingly*  
  
Zell: *blinks* Er....  
  
*Offstage, Raijin urges him on, looking back anxiously at the camera workers*  
  
Zell: *sighs*  
  
Audience: *mumble*   
  
Zell: *pulls out enormous story book* Now where were we... *flips through pages* AH HA!  
  
Audience: -.-;;;;  
  
Zell: We left off where Prince Charming was transformed into an innocent doggie and nice enough to give a poor beggar girl his food. There we shall continue.  
  
*Crashes are heard behind the curtain, with voices screaming ubiqiutously*  
  
THAT'S MY PART SELPHIE!!  
  
NO IT'S MINE!   
  
*Crash bang*  
  
Zell: ^^;;;;; Anyway....In that second, Prince Charming heard a sweet voice say -   
  
Rinoa: *sings screechily from backstage* Every good deed deserves its reward!!!  
  
Zell: And in a flash, the little dog was transformed into a beautiful bird of paradise with multicolored plumage and flew up high into the sky, twittering with joy.  
  
*Angelo is thrusted onto stage, where Squall clumsily drops the whole bucket on Angelo's head*  
  
Angelo: ARF! *falls to ground, unconcious*  
  
*Rinoa runs on and drags out Angelo through chalk dust and Seifer runs on in bird costume*  
  
Zell: Prince Charming was filled with gratitude and hope. Now his dearest desire was to find Celia again. He set out immediately to look for her. Asking directions from the animals on the plains, he finally reached a steep mountain.   
  
Seifer: *gasps for breath, flapping his arms* Wh-where's Ce-Celia...*gasp*  
  
*Tidus, dressed in a horse outfit, grunts a reply*  
  
Seifer: Whatever... *drags self away*  
  
Zell: There he found a grotto, the home of an old hermit.   
  
*Seifer waits for the background to be moved*  
  
*Rinoa quickly swaps it*  
  
*Seifer peeks into a cardboard box covered in brown and grey paint*  
  
Seifer: oh this must be the hermit's house. Sigh.   
  
Zell: Then he saw the young shepherdes sitting next to the old man. His heart was pounding as if it would burst out of his little bird body. But he realized the great distance that still seperated them. She would not recognize him - he was just a bird.He flew to Celia's shoulder and, enchanted by his beauty, she stroked him gently.  
  
*Loud crashes are heard*  
  
*Quistis limps out from behind curatins, bruised and bloody*  
  
Zell: O.o;;;  
  
Quistis: *glares* Don't ask. *plops down beside Tidus, who is dressed as hermit*  
  
Zell: OOOk..  
  
*Seifer flaps over to Seifer, knocking both over*  
  
Quistis: ....-.-;;  
  
Zell: Charming was restored to human form, while the White Fairy appeared in place of the old man.   
  
*Squall dumps a new bucket of chalk dust all over the stage*  
  
*Rinoa and Tidus quickly switch places*  
  
*Seifer trips offstage, and Cloud dashes on*  
  
Zell: With the good fairy's help, Celia and Charming returned to the palace. They were soon after married, and the townspeople deeply admired his rich and amiable soul. The end.   
  
*Audience claps unsurely*  
  
*All members file onto stage and bow*  
  
*Attempt to file off, but end up all tripping eachother*  
  
All: OOMPH!  
  
Audience: *stare uneasily at eachother*  
  
*Curtain closes*  
  
Zell: *steps out from behind curtains, just as enormous sign plops down on him, reading - THE END!!* 


End file.
